Being gay is hard

Recognizing this inner critic is the first step toward healing from gay shame.

Understanding Gay Guilt

While gay shame is about feeling like there’s something inherently wrong with your identity, gay guilt focuses more on specific actions or behaviors that may conflict with personal or societal expectations.

Guilt can stem from feeling like you’ve disappointed others or yourself by not adhering to certain cultural or familial norms.

You can look for therapists who are members of professional bodies like the BACP and who explicitly state their commitment to affirming practice on their websites.

Your journey of self-acceptance is your own, and you don't have to walk it alone.

If having a dedicated space to explore these themes feels like it could be helpful, I invite you to book a free, no-obligation initial consultation.

In simple terms, it proposes that people from stigmatised minority groups face chronic stress resulting from social prejudice and discrimination. It allows us to explore together, with compassion, why the inner critic sounds the way it does or why your body still reacts with anxiety in certain situations. These are the friends and community members who provide the love, acceptance, and belonging that your family of origin may be unable to offer.

It doesn't erase the memory, but it helps to disconnect the emotional and physical charge from it. It’s about identity, connection, and the way we experience ourselves in the world. Find a quiet space, and recall that earliest knowing—you knew who you were long before anyone questioned you. On the subject of coming out to her family, one lesbian shares her parents' reaction:³

"Shock, anger, concern plus 'Maybe we should send you to a psychiatrist,' from my father.

Guilt, on the other hand, revolves around your actions. These manifestations of stigma contribute to the increased risk of mental illness seen in gay people.

One study found that gay, lesbian and bisexual groups are about two-and-one-half times more likely than heterosexual men and women to have had a mental health disorder, such as those related to mood, anxiety, or substance use, in their lifetime.⁶

It's important to remember though, that while gay discrimination is real, it is wrong.

It's about helping your nervous system to catch up with your conscious beliefs. It can be helpful to consciously curate your feeds.

Your identity is meant to be lived, not defined. It helps the brain access and process the old memories and beliefs that are fuelling the body's threat response. You can start to see it for what it is: an understandable echo of the world you’ve had to navigate.

So, what is it?

Minority Stress Theory was developed by the brilliant public health researcher Ilan H.

Meyer. Do they align with my values today? And yet, for many gay men, one of the most common responses to coming out isn’t immediate affirmation—it’s a question: How do you know? Or worse, How did you know you were gay when you were a kid?

These questions may be framed as curiosity, but they carry a hidden message: that same-sexattraction must be explained, justified, or proven to be valid.

Your intellectual mind thinks, "This is fantastic. This constant state of alert is mentally and physically draining.

Internalised Homophobia: This is what happens when the external messages from society get inside and become part of your own belief system. On their website or professional directory profile, look for specific language about their work with LGBTQ+ or GSRD clients.

Associated with being a minority is something known as "minority stress." This term is used to describe the excess stress with which individuals from stigmatized social categories are exposed.

Stress stemming from gay stigma includes:¹

• The experience of prejudice events
• Expectations of rejection
• Hiding and concealing oneself
• Internalized homophobia
• Habits designed to cope with these stresses

In a study on minority stress and mental health in gay men, minority stress was, indeed, identified and those who experienced high levels of minority stress had a two-to-three times greater chance of experiencing significant distress.²

Antigay Discrimination

Antigay discrimination can be seen in workplaces, schools and in everyday life.

Sounds absurd, right? We should all just be the same," often comes from this place.